I'll be up, up and away.

So, as hard as it is to say, another one bites the dust. I had high hopes, but yet again, I'm alone again. This one is bound to be less painful, it played it course and I was at peace with my decision. I'll miss you and your family a lot. I'll hold on to the friendship that I want to have with you at some point, I hope the biterness doesnt get to you first. 

What went wrong? Continually feeling crazy for expecting more out of a relationship that started off so good, is what went wrong. I want a love thats crazier, and out of this world. It began that way, then it just started getting hard. Its like he got too comfortable. I dont even know. I continually had a mental battle with myself in wanting to make it work verses not feeling like I was being treated the way I should... I know when you love someone its not all about you. you make sacrifices, you learn to hurt everyonce and a while, for the greater good. You forget your ego and realize the reason you're with this person, is because you WANT to be with them. I still want to be with him, but the problem is I didn't feel this was mutual close to the end. All I'll hold on to is the final words he said to me "you're my first love, I want you to always be in my life" and so I will be. I miss you b, i hope you dont do anything stupid trying to get over this. Maybe one day, down the road if you feel like you want me again. see a few other people, figure out if i am what you want, we can work it out. i hope and pray that i will never loose you completely, but ever since i ended it, i wont lie, im a thousand times happier.

i miss you, i hope your okay, im sorry it ended.

1992-2012

There are some days that give significance to human life. Today was one of those days. Sometimes losing a life gives significance to lives as ironic and confusing as that may sound. My Opa Jake, 82 years old, passed away. 

I first want to pledge that without this man, nothing would be the same. We have a lot to owe to this man. But let me tell you why it gives significance.

As I watched my opa take his last breaths today I couldnt help but think the simple thought that he was going to a better place. I think we forget to think about heaven until we know someone on their death bed, or we ourselves are on a death bed. I feel completely sure that my Opa went to heaven and I also feel that if I was to die today, I would go to heaven too. Knowing there is a heaven, gives you a peace after loosing a love one unlike any other. As the pastor said today, he had a simple trust in God and he was at peace with his life. 

I want to pay tribute to my Opa Jake in something as simple as this blog post. I love you Opa. Forever in our hearts.

1929-2012

damn right.

So here I am, sitting on facebook when I see my friend Gailey, and we start talking.

she instinctively asked, how me and my boyfriend are.  so I tell her its great, and that I'm so in love. and that I also hate saying that to a lot of people because I know their first thought is "what do you know?" I've always been choked when people think its a joke that teenagers can be in love. we're either naive or just plain stupid to think we even know what love is. well I tell her, no, this is nuts what me and this boy have, he's not just some boy.

so she replies, no I don't think we're naive to love at a young age, she says, I think young love is the hardest of all because really, its the most dangerous time in your life to love, because we're still growing up.

then I realized she was SO right. this is why its so scary to fall for someone. you can follow your dream, or you can follow your love. usually you can't do both and have it work out so smoothly. I just realized today that, when you love at a young age, your more foolish then ever. maybe its the fact that we're foolish that makes love the greatest when your young. maybe that's why it feels so passionate. because in the end, when your young, your ignorant. you love passionately and regretlessly. you love like there's no tomorrow and you don't care who's watching. maybe this is why we always remember the first few we ever had, because although they might've been the most foolish, unrealistic mistakes, its because we loved like we'd never been hurt. which in truth, we probably hadn't. I've come to the realization that, when you love someone, the only way it'll ever work, is if you truely care more about being with them, then anything else.

every once in a while when I come across something like this. I just want to write it down. I want these thoughts to be held in time somewhere, even if its on a stupid blog no one reads.


p.s. I love this guy. for realz.

just the greatest

so I've been accepted to Kwantlen's FIND (foundation in design) program. :) so stoked for the next year of my life. finally get to do what I love 5 days a week. New chapter in my life.

some sick stuff.

found out about the conspiracy theory to do with the illuminati in the music industry today, please god do not let something like this be true. what an incredibly broken and evil world we live in. I encourage you to check it out.

" Do not love this world or the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the father in you. For the world only offers a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the father, but from the world" 1 john 2:15

please.

i am determined to go to California this year, 

i dont care if that means i go by myself :)

"if you follow me, you will find yourself'

So I'll be honest. This is what I'm feeling right now.

I love the responsibility i've given myself in the past year, yet i resent it. recently i've started to question my own motives behind the path i chose to take about a year ago. i flipped my life, i started doing my life for god, instead of for my own. "if you follow me, you will find yourself" cant remember exactly what passage that is or if that's an exact quote but basically, god tells me to follow him and i do, yet i feel like i've lost myself more then ever. i feel like a liar because although i go to church and force myself to stay out of trouble on friday and saturday nights, i feel like a faker. like its a show. at the end of the day i still have massive temptations that hit me like a sack of bricks. reminds me of my pasts and tells me i haven't changed a bit. i'd like to think its the devil that tells me i'm just no good as my past. maybe it is. there's always gods grace that gets me, maybe i'm just my own worst critic.

when is it okay to realize you take a step back and finally worry about yourself? to me it just feels like selfish-ness to say "i cant deal" right now. idk, maybe its not but i'm feeling at my ropes end recently. there comes a point when the realization that there is so many people looking up to you, that life stops becoming what you want it to be, and starts becoming an obligation. sometimes i cant remember if i do what i do because i want to, or if i do it just because i'm stuck here. i look at where i've grown up and who with and i wonder how i've "turned" into this person. when everyone else around me is not like me. 

i'm taking care of more people then i need to. i'm focused more on others peoples lives, and this is dangerous, because the more people you worry about, the more disappointments you will face in life. if the amount of disappointments in my own life arn't enough, i have about ten other lives i focus on as well. maybe more. not less. i can not express how exhausting this lifestyle is, and its aging me beyond my years at 18. watch me snap at 27 and make up for the living i'm not doing now. i'm not living an average 18 year old's life but i don't want to complain, because theres no way i would want to be average. so i guess in the end, that's life. it goes on. more or less just venting on a message board that no one reads anyways. talk to you later bloggy blog.

1) so i'm starting with numero uno

I havent been on this thing in a while. no big deal. im pretty sure no one reads it anyways. but im starting at one. 


NUMBER ONE. i've been busy, got myself things to do again and although life gets hectic, i wouldnt have it any other way. tons of things have happened and life is whipping by. for starters i'm taking spanish, so if i throw some in there, lo siento. got a new guy in my life and although its so easy to put so much of my happiness relying on that, i need to continue to learn to be happy no matter what. my best friend moved away, but to be honest, with social media these days, it sort of feels like she's never left. i think her heart is here, because her home is here. maybe thats why. i finished my portfolio for design school in september which im so excited about. im planning a trip to holland in the summer for a few weeks with the cuz.


im happy. life doesnt get much better then this. i have amazing family and friends and i thank god i never have to do life without them or Him.

reflection.

although theres no dreadful stories to tell, i thought id catch up. Starting to learn how to live life out of highschool, getting my priorities straight. Let me tell you, growing up is not easy. I've really started to understand what people mean when they say life is too short to be unhappy. Always forgive, never regret. 'Live each day like it would be your last.' - many people take this the wrong way, and I think the WAY you take it, depends on what kind of person you are. I want to live each day to my full potential, I want to learn something from every day. Making an impact on someones life, no matter how small, is a good enough day to me.