"if you follow me, you will find yourself'

So I'll be honest. This is what I'm feeling right now.

I love the responsibility i've given myself in the past year, yet i resent it. recently i've started to question my own motives behind the path i chose to take about a year ago. i flipped my life, i started doing my life for god, instead of for my own. "if you follow me, you will find yourself" cant remember exactly what passage that is or if that's an exact quote but basically, god tells me to follow him and i do, yet i feel like i've lost myself more then ever. i feel like a liar because although i go to church and force myself to stay out of trouble on friday and saturday nights, i feel like a faker. like its a show. at the end of the day i still have massive temptations that hit me like a sack of bricks. reminds me of my pasts and tells me i haven't changed a bit. i'd like to think its the devil that tells me i'm just no good as my past. maybe it is. there's always gods grace that gets me, maybe i'm just my own worst critic.

when is it okay to realize you take a step back and finally worry about yourself? to me it just feels like selfish-ness to say "i cant deal" right now. idk, maybe its not but i'm feeling at my ropes end recently. there comes a point when the realization that there is so many people looking up to you, that life stops becoming what you want it to be, and starts becoming an obligation. sometimes i cant remember if i do what i do because i want to, or if i do it just because i'm stuck here. i look at where i've grown up and who with and i wonder how i've "turned" into this person. when everyone else around me is not like me. 

i'm taking care of more people then i need to. i'm focused more on others peoples lives, and this is dangerous, because the more people you worry about, the more disappointments you will face in life. if the amount of disappointments in my own life arn't enough, i have about ten other lives i focus on as well. maybe more. not less. i can not express how exhausting this lifestyle is, and its aging me beyond my years at 18. watch me snap at 27 and make up for the living i'm not doing now. i'm not living an average 18 year old's life but i don't want to complain, because theres no way i would want to be average. so i guess in the end, that's life. it goes on. more or less just venting on a message board that no one reads anyways. talk to you later bloggy blog.