Where do I even start. I realize I havent written on this thing in about a year but you know, heres my thoughts.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to be sure of keeping it intact, give it to know one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries, and avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in a casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." - CS Lewis.

This ladies words can have the greatest effect on me some days. 

Heres my spin on that blurb.

To love is to risk everything. To love is giving someone the power to destroy you, and trusting them not to. Its putting your most valuable asset on the line. So why exactly do we do it? What is the point of relationships anyways if their so hard and exhausting? Because at the end of the day we were asked to LOVE God LOVE people. Us as humans are wired to love. The pain that comes with loving anything may be unbearable at times but its what we were meant to do. Its human nature to want to be loved, but unfortuantely its not human nature, to love. If you want to be loved, you treat others will love. [Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable and keeps no record of right and wrong. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never looses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.] If you were to google, "scriptures on relationships" that is the most prominent one to show up. for some reason the bible does not give us alot of advice on relationships, it only gives us advice on love. Love enhances your life, it never allows you to be bitter, its beautiful and blameless, its gets you through the night. 

So today I choose to love & although I dont know how Ill feel tomorrow, Ill probably choose to do the same. 

I'll be up, up and away.

So, as hard as it is to say, another one bites the dust. I had high hopes, but yet again, I'm alone again. This one is bound to be less painful, it played it course and I was at peace with my decision. I'll miss you and your family a lot. I'll hold on to the friendship that I want to have with you at some point, I hope the biterness doesnt get to you first. 

What went wrong? Continually feeling crazy for expecting more out of a relationship that started off so good, is what went wrong. I want a love thats crazier, and out of this world. It began that way, then it just started getting hard. Its like he got too comfortable. I dont even know. I continually had a mental battle with myself in wanting to make it work verses not feeling like I was being treated the way I should... I know when you love someone its not all about you. you make sacrifices, you learn to hurt everyonce and a while, for the greater good. You forget your ego and realize the reason you're with this person, is because you WANT to be with them. I still want to be with him, but the problem is I didn't feel this was mutual close to the end. All I'll hold on to is the final words he said to me "you're my first love, I want you to always be in my life" and so I will be. I miss you b, i hope you dont do anything stupid trying to get over this. Maybe one day, down the road if you feel like you want me again. see a few other people, figure out if i am what you want, we can work it out. i hope and pray that i will never loose you completely, but ever since i ended it, i wont lie, im a thousand times happier.

i miss you, i hope your okay, im sorry it ended.

1992-2012

There are some days that give significance to human life. Today was one of those days. Sometimes losing a life gives significance to lives as ironic and confusing as that may sound. My Opa Jake, 82 years old, passed away. 

I first want to pledge that without this man, nothing would be the same. We have a lot to owe to this man. But let me tell you why it gives significance.

As I watched my opa take his last breaths today I couldnt help but think the simple thought that he was going to a better place. I think we forget to think about heaven until we know someone on their death bed, or we ourselves are on a death bed. I feel completely sure that my Opa went to heaven and I also feel that if I was to die today, I would go to heaven too. Knowing there is a heaven, gives you a peace after loosing a love one unlike any other. As the pastor said today, he had a simple trust in God and he was at peace with his life. 

I want to pay tribute to my Opa Jake in something as simple as this blog post. I love you Opa. Forever in our hearts.

1929-2012

damn right.

So here I am, sitting on facebook when I see my friend Gailey, and we start talking.

she instinctively asked, how me and my boyfriend are.  so I tell her its great, and that I'm so in love. and that I also hate saying that to a lot of people because I know their first thought is "what do you know?" I've always been choked when people think its a joke that teenagers can be in love. we're either naive or just plain stupid to think we even know what love is. well I tell her, no, this is nuts what me and this boy have, he's not just some boy.

so she replies, no I don't think we're naive to love at a young age, she says, I think young love is the hardest of all because really, its the most dangerous time in your life to love, because we're still growing up.

then I realized she was SO right. this is why its so scary to fall for someone. you can follow your dream, or you can follow your love. usually you can't do both and have it work out so smoothly. I just realized today that, when you love at a young age, your more foolish then ever. maybe its the fact that we're foolish that makes love the greatest when your young. maybe that's why it feels so passionate. because in the end, when your young, your ignorant. you love passionately and regretlessly. you love like there's no tomorrow and you don't care who's watching. maybe this is why we always remember the first few we ever had, because although they might've been the most foolish, unrealistic mistakes, its because we loved like we'd never been hurt. which in truth, we probably hadn't. I've come to the realization that, when you love someone, the only way it'll ever work, is if you truely care more about being with them, then anything else.

every once in a while when I come across something like this. I just want to write it down. I want these thoughts to be held in time somewhere, even if its on a stupid blog no one reads.


p.s. I love this guy. for realz.

just the greatest

so I've been accepted to Kwantlen's FIND (foundation in design) program. :) so stoked for the next year of my life. finally get to do what I love 5 days a week. New chapter in my life.

some sick stuff.

found out about the conspiracy theory to do with the illuminati in the music industry today, please god do not let something like this be true. what an incredibly broken and evil world we live in. I encourage you to check it out.

" Do not love this world or the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the father in you. For the world only offers a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the father, but from the world" 1 john 2:15

please.

i am determined to go to California this year, 

i dont care if that means i go by myself :)